Nervously, I’m beginning this blog by sharing one of my most vulnerable experiences, a pivotal moment that led me to create U&I. It seems appropriate to start here.
It all began over two and a half years ago when I found myself captivated by one of the most intense crushes of my life. Upon meeting this person, I experienced what the Québecois call a “coup de foudre” – a sudden, thunderbolt-like attraction. I was taken aback, as he seemed younger than I and “too pretty” for me. He was also my health practitioner. I had booked an appointment with someone I had never laid eyes on to help me with a back injury that was causing incredible grief. I was in a lot of pain which was starting to impact not only my mobility but my mental health. So I shooed away this pesky crush and stepped into his care.
He, as a health professional, proved to be attentive, kind, and gentle. His demeanour allowed me to feel safe and hopeful about my recovery. Often the caretaker in my professional role, I forgot what it was like to be taken care of in this way, something I was desperately in need of.
Despite my attempt to dismiss my initial feelings, my crush resurfaced during our second appointment, triggered by a simple joke I had made rather flatly. He laughed and seemed amused. It felt nice. I liked that he found me funny. It was also weird. I had no idea what to do with these annoying little feelings fluttering about in me. I continued to convince myself that a crush had no business cropping up. Not here, not with him.
I found myself eagerly anticipating our appointments and enjoying our interactions. While I acknowledged that nothing could come of this crush, I began to allow myself to revel in the emotional landscape of being attracted to someone who seemed to enjoy my company too. He asked me a lot of questions, and a yearning to be known stirred within me. He shared his own stories with me and I felt that he too wanted to be known by me. It was sweet, innocent and contained by professional boundaries.
I’m not sure I would have let such feelings play around in my heart had there not been the boundaries of a professional relationship.I let my heart wander into fantasies, and I watched them as they would come to life in my mind’s eye.
As a psychotherapist who has always been oriented towards self-analysis, I was intrigued by the interplay of brain chemicals accompanying a crush as I let my heart open up to play. My spirit soared with the experience. My friends began noticing a positive change in me too– I became more joyful, lighter, and full of energy. After all, the biochemistry of love and attachment is like a drug.
What was life changing about this crush is that it allowed me to see a variety of things I had buried away, like treasures I wanted to keep safe in the deep, dark places in the underground of my soul. I had disconnected from my heart’s desire to be known and to be delighted in. I had also given up on the idea that others could be attracted to me. I had poured everything into my work distracting myself from the relational hunger I felt.
He woke me up. I’m quite positive that he could sense my crush but he was never inappropriate. He maintained all the proper boundaries of a health professional which added another layer of healing to my heart. It was fun, intoxicating at times and very safe.
Most importantly, I was able to use this big, beautiful, yummy crush to reconnect with myself. I started uncovering my unmet needs and the hunger within my heart from the hidden recesses where I had tucked them away. Paying attention to my crush and the fantasies that emerged helped me to connect to places I needed to heal. He was what self psychology calls a good self-object. I also held him in mind as I began dating again, a template of sorts for the kind of people I hoped to meet.
When our work finally came to an end, I felt sad. I wrote him a thank you note and said:
“This is the story of gratitude from an old lady who hurt her back and the healing she found in the practitioner who was also a magician (or so she believed).”
What I never explained to him fully was the extent of the magic that he opened up in me. I continue to hold so much gratitude for my big, fat, yummy crush and the role he played in it.
